The letter edition…
- Dear angry man at McDonald’s: I totally understand the frustration of not getting what you order in the drive through. I’m one of those people that makes special orders, so I feel your pain tenfold sometimes. But is it really necessary to come storming into the store, demanding your sausage patty? I mean, judging by the looks of you, it is far more likely that after receiving your food, you popped the lid off your Deluxe Big Breakfast Platter and shoved that round little sausage patty right into your mouth. Poor round guy never had a chance. Then you come in and make a big show by shoving your receipt in the face of the poor girl who was lucky enough to help you. Dood. Every McDonald’s breakfast platter (all fucking two of them) comes with a round little sausage. No need to prove to them that you just bought it. They gave you another sausage circle and you turned around and stalked out. But be damned if you didn’t fold that little baby up and stuck it straight into the gaping hole in your head we normal people call a mouth. Fucking Dickface.
- Dear Co-Worker: I still hate you. But the tension in my neck and back has gone down since moving away from you. I can breathe so much easier now. Which just confirms that my problems were YOU. I hate you. You should go away.
- Dear Stomach: Thanks for not hurting as much as you did last week. However, can you please stop being so damn cranky and bloated? Its not hawt. I know your best friend Flo is in town, but dayum, I hate when you two bitches gang up on me. I’m out numbered here.
- Dear Mean Wife: Someone should give YOU the stink eye. You should let your husband play with us. Most of us respect the sanctity of marriage. Most of the time anyways.
- Dear Me: Have you looked in the mirror today? Fucking yikes. Instead of sleeping those extra 10 minutes, take some extra time in the shower and wash your damn hair! Your bangs look like shit and that messy bun is NOT working. Its nappy yo. Also? Slapping on some cover up and some powder does NOT count towards makeup. Take another 2 minutes and get some eye shadow on those lids. You spend enough damn money to own eyeshadow in every color of the rainbow, would it kill you to actually use some of it? Damn lazy cow. And wash your damn car. Its filthy and disgusting. It was filthy and disgusting last week and a little embarrassing too. I’m giving you one day to make it right. Damn lazy, disgusting cow.
Got anything to bitch about?
Filed under:
Things That Are Pissing Me Off
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL … I will need my own post for bitching!
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Yeah. Dear Plurk, I’m having Miss-DTs. Dear biotch that I broke up with, you’re a small, pathetic piece of trailer trash. Don’t ever touch my child again, especially to shove her out of the way or take food away from her. Dear Starbucks, why don’t you give me a buzz anymore? Dear Isobel, can you please start sleeping during the day, again? Dear everyone in the world, I need a hug, but hate to be touched, so just think about it. Dear Mean Wife, maybe you’re smart since some of us would only respect the sanctity of marriage as far as the other party did – if enough alcohol was involved.
Yes, I said it.
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Whew! Thank goodness for beer. Lots of it.
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Dear woman at the swimming pool:
Thanks for making a big show of moving all your things five inches further away from my crew when I guess you decided we were either too close or too loud. I’m sorry you are too weird or too bitchy to engage with anyone around you, much less the children in your care. Did you know that while you had positioned yourself to be in full sun, you also had your back completely to the pool, and therefore, the children in it? Did you also know that I witnessed the lifeguard addressing one of your charges no less than seven times? While you were busy texting? And please stop combing your stringy, buttocks-length hair. It’s not going to help and the breeze is probably sending the fallout to my towels.
Thanks Miss, I needed that!
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*Hugs* I hope you feel better!!
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Stomach and flo problems make for NOT fun time.. the two need to be evicted when they act stupid and bloated. I love rants like this..makes me feel totally normal..esp when I think I have officially slipped off the deep end.
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Ha. I love the memo to yourself. I could write a whole post to myself.
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Dear doubt, fuck you, you fucking fuck.
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No, but if I ever DID have something to bitch about, I’d totally be calling you in to do it.
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you give great bitch, my dear
i love it!
(remind me to never cross you!)
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Dear Emo Me – You suck.
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Dear Friend, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay to wake up and not put on eyeshadow. It’s also a-okay to call people Dickface. You should do it to someone’s face and feel the joy. It’ll start in your toes and go all the way up to your ears. Your eyes might even bleed joy at that point. Yeah. Uh huh. Luff, Your Friend
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Dear Miss,
I adore you and your blog. Please keep posting.
… Well, that wasn’t very bitchy of me after all.
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LOVE IT! And I will wash my damn car tomorrow I promise. Well maybe. I might have to wash my hair…
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