The one where I find myself
June 3, 2009 by Miss
Did you know that running out of guest posters and launching your new site requires one to actually write? I’ve been sitting on this for almost a week because I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, or if I had anything to say after all.
I had to take a break. I had to remove myself from my personal obligation to this blog. It is such an open forum, such free space, space that I myself, had already been restricting due to reasons that were not my own.
Had I not held back, it would have been a mistake. For once, I had to continue to hold things in and I think, the fact that I had already been keeping so many secrets, almost a year’s worth, when it all came crashing down in what I now call “the worst two weeks in April ever”, I just could not DEAL with it here.
And this is the one place where I should have been able to deal with it.
I do apologize for being dramatic and at the same time, incredibly vague but trust me when I say that even if I told you, you probably wouldn’t believe it.
Sometimes I don’t, still.
“Because even if it breaks your heart to just be friends, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit”
The irony of that quote is that it came from Scrubs, which has come to mean more than it just being an incredibly hilarious TV show. The kind where just when you think its over, its NOT!
Here’s what I will say. I took the hit. I chose the hit. And I am so ok with that decision. If I learned anything amongst all those secrets, it’s that I am more than capable and more than ok with choosing my decisions. Does it hurt? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. But I’d also be lying if I said it hurt all the time. If I said it hurt so much that remembering to breathe became a chore, I’d be lying to you. Not to say that I wasn’t at that point during “the worst two weeks in April ever” but I’m not anymore. Because guess what?
This time? The “better off as friends” line wasn’t just a line. It was real. We started out as friends and no matter what happened, we would continue to remain as such.
And you know what? I am so fucking GOOD with that, I am so fucking GOOD right now, that I’m here. I’m back. I’m ready to write. I’ve been working on figuring out how to go through each day without someone to relay it back to. I’m enjoying myself and the crazy thing is, I’m totally open to new posibilities, when before, without merit, I was limiting myself in a way I never should have allowed and to be fair, I was never ASKED to.
So fucking optomistic that the thought of 2,787 (give or take) miles seperating me from a smile is the least of my problems at the moment.
So here we are. At my own (finally) grown up space. This is just me here. I’m so in love with the new design, and seeing my name up there, standing alone. I’m so thankful for the people who encouraged me to do it, for the people that dragged me out of “the worst two weeks in April ever”, who I turned to, who I cried on, even when they didn’t know why I cried, and loved me enough not to ask questions, and to just hold me when I needed it. And of course those that did know, those that had to sit for 3 hours straight, trapped in my car, and listen to me relay 2 weeks worth of conversations, encouraged me to kick some ass if need be, and made me laugh hard enough where the tears turned from sadness, to joy. That weekend in Vegas was the most perfect medicine to my ailment.
I’m lucky for all of you. I really am. I know that, I’ve always known that. I just figure that it doesn’t hurt to remind myself, and to remind you that I appreciate you.
Welcome home, Miss. So nice to see you.
Ooh I like the new site. And I’m glad that you’re good, because I like you
You scared the shit out of me! I thought you were closing down your blog at wordpress and never writing again! I was going to write an obituary for your poor blog! And uggh now I need to update my blogroll.. thanks a lot! LOL
i just can’t wait until july to give you a giant hug!! and get a little shit canned.;) xo
Well, well…I thought I was gonna have to force you to blog at knife-point. Which, would have been unfortunate because then you probably wouldn’t have brought me back any popcorn.
So I guess, even though I’m superlazy, I will update my reader. Also? Like the new space…fancy.
When I read the tweet, I thought you were dumping your blog in favor of Twitter. Only I’m allowed to do that! Awesome new place you got here!
I told you two weeks ago that I loved it. And I still do. It looks great, babe. And HA! You HAD to write something!
Tumblr/Twitter will do that to you, huh?
Congrats Hustle! I’m so proud of you
You know it’s gotta be a big deal for me to venture outta my Facebook dungeon (and baby tweet acct) to share your joy! Here’s to easy accessibility to one of my favorite friends when I move across the globe.
P.s. I know I never gave you that guest post, but YOU know I have no respect for time, which does not in any way translate into a lack of respect for you. I promise to finish writing it, if you’ll still post it, before I leave! You’re a beautiful person, with wisdom beyond your years and I am only so lucky to have both the virtual and real you in my life…
Aww sweet miss! <3
If I could commit to a name, I’d buy my own domain. For now I’ll just sit at Wordpress and be happy.
Love your new place!
ooooh lovely place! I’m glad you are okay. Love ya, girl.
I feel right at home here. It’s lovely Miss.
Your new digs are gorgeous. I adore them.
I adore you, too.
You stay true, you rock it, you speak it and I love for it
It’s beautiful. Just like it’s mommy. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I feel like I took a hiatus from life, just when you might’ve needed me, most. You, me, hotel room in Chicago – I’ll make it up to you. xo
Just thought I’d drop by and compliment you on the new digs. Looking sharp. Not quite as sharp as you’ll look in a Mets jersey, but still it looks good!
Look at you all grow-sed up with your own domain. It looks great, but better than that I’m glad you seem happy. Really glad.
Yay! Your own domain … in a word: impressed.
Love.. Love.. Love.. love the new place..
And scrubs.. sigh.. girl we have so much in common it is scary sometimes..
Woohoo swanky new place you got here, love love love it! Yay you!
Congratulations on the new place, and yes, welcome home.
I am so glad that you’ve done this. I apologize that I still owe you a post (I suck).
I think it is great that you have your own space and are moving forward. It is wonderful to have friends that will hold you up when you need it, and let you be when you need it. They are rare and worth holding on to. I hope this is the beginning of a new path for you.
I do just have to say WTF? Just two days ago you had me set up a reader, and now you’re making me change it around again?
I’m just kidding, of course, happy to do it, happy for you!
Love the new digs! Love you!
I love the color. Very chic.
I’m reading this on my phone, so I can’t see the new digs, but I can see that you’re going to rock the shit out of this joint.
I can’t wait, dude.
Oh, snap. This is YOU, dude.
It’s gorgeous here, not quite as gorgeous as you, but it’s pretty hot.
So, so glad you’ve found yourself, sweetie. And that you’re back. Really you, and really back.
Six weeks’ time… boom boom pow, boo YEAH baby!!!!
(Okay, I’ll get off the cold meds now…sickness should be gone in time for the biggest hug evah!)
VEGAS, BABY!!!!
Gorgeous new site! Love it. Also, *HUGS*!