Did you know that running out of guest posters and launching your new site requires one to actually write? I’ve been sitting on this for almost a week because I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, or if I had anything to say after all.

I had to take a break. I had to remove myself from my personal obligation to this blog. It is such an open forum, such free space, space that I myself, had already been restricting due to reasons that were not my own.

Had I not held back, it would have been a mistake. For once, I had to continue to hold things in and I think, the fact that I had already been keeping so many secrets, almost a year’s worth, when it all came crashing down in what I now call “the worst two weeks in April ever”, I just could not DEAL with it here.

And this is the one place where I should have been able to deal with it.

I do apologize for being dramatic and at the same time, incredibly vague but trust me when I say that even if I told you, you probably wouldn’t believe it.

Sometimes I don’t, still.

“Because even if it breaks your heart to just be friends, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit”

The irony of that quote is that it came from Scrubs, which has come to mean more than it just being an incredibly hilarious TV show. The kind where just when you think its over, its NOT!

Here’s what I will say. I took the hit. I chose the hit. And I am so ok with that decision. If I learned anything amongst all those secrets, it’s that I am more than capable and more than ok with choosing my decisions. Does it hurt? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. But I’d also be lying if I said it hurt all the time. If I said it hurt so much that remembering to breathe became a chore, I’d be lying to you. Not to say that I wasn’t at that point during “the worst two weeks in April ever” but I’m not anymore. Because guess what?

This time? The “better off as friends” line wasn’t just a line. It was real. We started out as friends and no matter what happened, we would continue to remain as such.

And you know what? I am so fucking GOOD with that, I am so fucking GOOD right now, that I’m here. I’m back. I’m ready to write. I’ve been working on figuring out how to go through each day without someone to relay it back to. I’m enjoying myself and the crazy thing is, I’m totally open to new posibilities, when before, without merit, I was limiting myself in a way I never should have allowed and to be fair, I was never ASKED to.

So fucking optomistic that the thought of 2,787 (give or take) miles seperating me from a smile is the least of my problems at the moment.

So here we are. At my own (finally) grown up space. This is just me here. I’m so in love with the new design, and seeing my name up there, standing alone. I’m so thankful for the people who encouraged me to do it, for the people that dragged me out of “the worst two weeks in April ever”, who I turned to, who I cried on, even when they didn’t know why I cried, and loved me enough not to ask questions, and to just hold me when I needed it. And of course those that did know, those that had to sit for 3 hours straight, trapped in my car, and listen to me relay 2 weeks worth of conversations, encouraged me to kick some ass if need be, and made me laugh hard enough where the tears turned from sadness, to joy. That weekend in Vegas was the most perfect medicine to my ailment.

I’m lucky for all of you. I really am. I know that, I’ve always known that. I just figure that it doesn’t hurt to remind myself, and to remind you that I appreciate you.

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