Guest Post: Mistakes

I think it needs to be said that we all make mistakes. No one is above this. It’s never, ever easy to admit to it but sometimes you have to. And sometimes, you can’t.

When a friend contacts you out of nowhere and asks if they can post anonymously on your blog? You say yes. No matter what, you say yes. Because while you can’t fix them, as much as you wish you could, you can do this.

Please show a little love to my friend… You never know, she could be yours too.

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I have told no one outside of my family of this. My husband got a girl pregnant. The kid is now six years old.

He, being a jackass that thought only with his dick, had a job that kept him away from home. Me, not being a complete idiot, realized that there was foolishness afoot. I confronted him, we argued night & day. Weeks of barely speaking, weird behavior that made me suspicious. The final shut down of my emotions that led to fling after fling because why should he be allow to fuck around while I sat at home crying and taking care of his kids? He knew, the same as I did, that he pushed me away, pushed me into the arms of other men. Please. Do not think I was looking for love. I wasn’t. I wanted the attention he denied me while he pretended to be working late. I was craving revenge for every day that he didn’t kiss me good morning or good night.

I left. I went home for several months. I spent those months with my parents pretending he didn’t exist. We would talk on the phone. Calls that ended in tears, and anger and frustration. I thought about my next step and realized that the person that I was at that moment was not a reflection of me at all. And just like that, I took my life back. I didn’t really know what I was going to do next, but I knew that this broken version of me could not solve my problems. I went back.

I was in a holding pattern. I prayed a lot. I was waiting. I wasn’t sure for what. Then I found some stupid card with hearts & flowers the girl gave him with her new phone number. I called her and told her something that he never would have “You don’t know me, but he’s married” and she told me something I never would have expected “I’m having a baby by him.” My world imploded. I called him right then and made him come home, forced him to admit it. The details don’t really matter at this point except to say that this girl, didn’t even know a lot about him – didn’t know he was leaving in less than a year, had never been to the place he told her he lived in. I felt bad, because she had been duped as I had been, into believing in a man who didn’t even really exist. He wasn’t going to leave me; he already had a family, and never expected to get caught so spectacularly.

He apologized. Over and over and over again. I raged. I screamed because this is not what people do to people they are supposed to love. He tried to make it right. Full disclosure. No more sneaking to make phone calls because he didn’t want me to know he talked to her. No more lying. No more jumping when she said jump because he was scared I was going to find out. I knew.

She went to court to get child support. Because how can you believe a man will support his child when he was clearly lying about his entire life to you? Because she wanted to punish him for not leaving me and marrying her. Because he was unable to be there for her because he was being there for me. And they bent him over and raped him anally through his wallet. While I can appreciate that this child needs support, they gave no thought to the children he was already supporting. But what can you say? You have to pay to play, baby. And sometimes you gotta pay big.

It hurts though. Even now. He and I made our way back to each other. Our relationship much closer, much in the way of people who have been through a war together. I can forgive the pregnancy because the only difference between he and I was that I had enough sense to protect myself from such a situation (or one that would perhaps involve burning and/or itching in places that shouldn’t burn and/or itch). I hate him a little for the things that I’ve done, for having to live forever with the things that he’s done.

I feel selfish when I complain about how much the state wants for a child he can only see maybe 3 or 4 times a year. But it’s a vicious circle. She gets paid more because she lives out of state. He can’t visit more because she gets paid more and WE can’t afford for him to see him anymore than he does. But he would if he could. But if I don’t speak up for his other children, who will? They were here first and they don’t not exist because one more child is added to the equation. When did it stop mattering that he has 2 teenagers that still need food, and clothing and a place to live?

Today we found out they stripped his bank account because his current earnings are not enough to pay the child support owed. We did all the proper paperwork regarding reduction in pay, not making the same amount of money, etc. They plan to give her all of his earnings while we try to figure out how we are to live until his court date in February. I don’t even know how he’s going to get there because I can’t afford to pay all of the bills, the rent AND a flight out-of-state complete with hotel, food and lawyer fees. The rage that I feel about this situation threatens to choke me and I want to vomit, I want to expel the feelings of THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT all over him. But I know that he’s done everything he could do and the time for blame has past. I know that he loves his son as he does his other children, and wishes that he could be there for him. I know all of this; so I try to hold it all together, with understanding and love. Because I know that he needs both as we struggle to find a balance that is fair for both of his families.

I’m holding it all together. But just barely.



This Post Has 11 Comments

  1. Slackjaw37 says:

    wow, this is gut wrenching. i applaud you for your strength and your willingness to forgive as well as own up to your own misgivings. good things are bound to come from the most difficult trials. im sending my warmest thoughts and prayers that you’ll make it through such a difficult time.

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  2. Maria says:

    I think it’s admirable, and says a lot about you as a woman to be able to take him back and accept his mistakes, and his son, and the entire situation as you have done. Many others (myself included) probably would not be as strong. He is a lucky man. I’m sorry you guys are going through what you are. I hope it works out as best for you and your kids as it possibly can.

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  3. la primera says:

    Heartbreaking. But her power of forgiveness, speaks to her depth of strength and character. And that will see her through. xoxo

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  4. avasmommy says:

    Wow. What a no-win situation for everyone involved. You can’t undo the past, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live in the present. I hope your husband realizes how lucky he is that you have taken him back, and kept your family together. It’s not an easy road to take. I speak from experience. I applaud you for how hard you’ve worked. Feelings of anger and resentment are perfectly normal. Just be careful they don’t’ overshadow all the good. Best of luck. I hope things work out soon.

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  5. Denise says:

    Wow. Your strength is astounding, and I admire it. So many would walk away… so many do today. Yet you’ve found forgiveness and determination and you’ve kept your family together. While I do not know you myself, I could easily sit down and rant about WITH you about this situation… but it would not do any good other than perhaps be a therapeutic period of time of screaming, and laughing and crying. You’ve written this so eloquently, and I pray it served as a therapeutic act. I think its safe to say that all of us reading this will say an extra prayer or send an extra thought or send more love and strength your way as you work through this. You are an inspiration. Best of luck to you and your family.

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  6. Avitable says:

    Forgiveness and determination are not all they’re cracked up to be. I hate when I hear about a couple staying together for the kids, because that’s bullshit. The kids see the resentment, mistrust, and pain, and they think that’s how a normal relationship is.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I can only think that you would have been better off leaving him in the first place and letting him bear sole responsibility for his actions.

    I’m sorry if this is shitty, but I have strong feelings about this. It’s just my opinion, though.

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  7. Tracy (@redvu9395) says:

    I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. * hugs *

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  8. Hockeymandad says:

    As I read this I was amazed that a human being has the capability to be like that. So careless and seemingly without feeling. Alas, it does happen I guess.

    Your ability to forgive and support him after all he’s done is an amazing testament to your soul and the love in your heart. I hope he shows the appreciation you deserve. My only suggestion would be to separate your finances as much as possible to protect yourself from his mistakes on a legal perspective.

    I think it would be ok, perhaps even the best thing for you, to expel those emotions you are keeping inside. That kind of emotion will only damage your health from the inside out and you need to get it out. None of this is your fault. You don’t deserve to feel fault over his mistakes.

    Without knowing the whole story, I only hope you’re staying together for the right reason. The only reason is love. Undying, undeniable love for each other. Anything less, given the extra weight on the relationship, is toxic.

    Stay strong and best of luck. I hope you can find peace in the situation.

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  9. Kellee says:

    I wish I had some great advice, but my mind is kind of blown by the whole thing.

    I really wish you the best of luck, and hope that your ability to stay in a good place mentally and emotionally remains intact.

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  10. Nancy says:

    I have to say I’m kind of with Adam on this one. God knows I’ve made some HUGE mistakes, but if you were trying to forgive yourself for your transgressions by taking him back as penance, I think you may have set yourself up for disaster. That said, I seriously hope I am wrong and things can work out for the best for all of you.

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  11. Costin says:

    Show must go on ( life must go on ) , be tuff , you are a woman and a mother , life don`t stop here !Leave all behind and make a new life !

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