The Heart of Life
August 13, 2009 by Miss
I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen.
It’s no secret to anyone that really knows me that I define the phrase “she wears her heart on her sleeve”. I’m the crier. I’m the over analyzer. I’m the one that cares TOO much, that tries her hardest to absorb the pain of the people she loves. I’m the one that obsesses over things, that attempts all too often to make sense of her own situation, and that of her friends. I take on burden so that your shoulders feel lighter, so that maybe you can sleep tonight, or maybe your tears can stop.
For the longest time, I was alone in this role. I would give support and never ask for anything in return. I would keep my pain hidden and any time I did share it, I would feel ashamed or guilty for burdening someone.
I’m not like this anymore.
Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
No it won’t all go the way it should
but I know the heart of life is good.
During this time in my life, this time of change, this time of growth, I’ve found myself in a situation I haven’t often been in. I’ve always been the support system. Things in my life, things especially in the last 3 years have been in constant change. Every time I felt like I was on top of things, had found what I believed to be happiness and safety, I’ve had the ground ripped out from under me. I’ve lost people I loved for reasons I am only beginning to really understand. And just recently, I had to pull myself away from situations that were going no where, that were not giving me a return investment in what a friendship and relationship should be. I’ve learned that it takes two people to maintain a connection, that giving and giving and supporting, standing up for, and defending a person that you love, a person that means something to you, should go both ways.
It’s heart breaking when you feel that it doesn’t. It’s simply devastating.
You, know its nothing new. Bad news never had good timing.
But there, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining.
But now? I’m being supported. I’ve found people in my life who love me, who will, at any time of the day, night, and beyond, sit and hold my hand, listen to me hold back tears. Who will listen to me cry and let go when I need to. Who will sit with me and talk for hours. They understand me. They laugh with me. They make me smile during the hardest moments of my life. They will take my call at 1am and listen to me be angry, and listen to me be heartbroken, and they will say all the right things even if they think they aren’t. They give me courage to do the things I need to do, they remind me how lucky I am and of how much they love me, how loved I am.They remind me that the bad is not all there is. They are my silver lining.
That’s priceless. There is nothing greater than that.
Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
but I know the heart of life is good.
This blogging thing, I never thought it would change my life. I never in a million years imagined that the most intricately weaved support system I would have in my life would be found here. I struggle with this blog, with what I want to say here. With who I want to be. I might not be the best writer you know, but I put my heart here; my blog is my proverbial sleeve. I like to hope that I’ve touched a few people along the way. It never hurts to hear that you are someones source of inspiration. It never hurts to be reminded that you are loved. The people I love, they take away my fear to stand up for myself. He reminds me of hope and of love every day.
Sometimes it takes a harsh reality, a wake up call and a 24 hour hour period for the people in your life to remind you why you’ve chosen each other to love, to share this life with.
Look around you and remind yourself. Tell the people in your life that you love them, thank them. Laugh and cry with them. Remember how lucky you are.
I do.
Dawwww…just dont come crying to me, because I wont know what to do with you.
In other news, the internets are completely awesome and when people come through for you it’s an amazing feeling. And not everyone understands this. They hear “internet friend” and they take that at face value. Meeting people on the internet is not what it was in 1996 and it probably will evolve from what it is now. You’re lucky to have found your niche with the people you have because it’s good to know that the world is bigger than you can imagine and that there are people in it who actually care about you without being obligated to.
It’s those without the obligation who are the baddest of ass when it comes to the needing somebody to lean on thing.
It’s nice that you have found your rock. Someone to support you. Someone who will just hold you when you just need to get that knot in your throat out.
You write so beautifully, Miss (and it doesnt hurt that youre gorgeous, either!)
You are everything you describe in that first paragraph. I know first hand personally because I have been one of those people whose pain you have absorbed. I have said this before and I will say it again … you ARE one of the strongest people I know. And, I thank my lucky stars (and Plurk) that you are in my life. When you invest your heart you do it at 150% … very few people are like that. Those who have the blessing to have you invest your heart in them are stupid if they let you go. In my eyes you are a brilliant writer simply because you put your heart into it too. You are a no bullshit person making your heart pure. Life is not all business. If it was we would all spend our days never having a pure heart. And, that is not way to live. I would much rather have a pure heart instead of one one heavy and laden depending on ROIs. I love you, Miss, exactly as you are!
wow! that’s a beautiful post. you are so lucky to have that.
Great post, Miss, a most timely reminder. I’ve considered shutting down my blog, considered it for over a year. The only thing that keeps me going is my peeps. My friends. I don’t really know how I’d cope without the support I’ve received online.
Thanks for inspiring me today.
Hugs.
I’m so happy for you - for all you’ve overcome and and for all you have now. He seems like a wonderful guy and I wish you all the happiness in the world. You’ve certainly earned it.
This is a really beautiful post. I can identify with being an emotional, obsessive type. In wearing your heart on your sleeve, you not only show others all of you, but you also make yourself incredibly vulnerable. It’s out there (your heart), which makes it easy to hurt. It’s all too easy to draw up inside yourself and try to protect that battered heart. Instead, you’ve lifted it higher, and shown us every facet and valve. I admire that.
<3 to you, lady. You’re one of the good ones.
Must be something in the air, a season of gratitude and blessings. Revel.
Miss miss, i havent known you long, ive never met you, and i still feel 100% that you belong in my life. im happy to have found you through random happenstance and appreciate you so much. here if you ever need me, like youre there whenever ive needed you. thank you <3
I’m happy you’ve crossed to the other side of accepting that it’s okay to be the caller, not always the callee. And I’m happy that you used him and love in the same paragraph. A few times.
I love you. Even though I’m so gone, I’m still always thinking about loving you.
I totally agree with you. I began blogging as something to do, and I have found some of the most amazing people through it. I hope that things get easier on you. Even if you do like the Dodgers, if you need anything…let me know.
xoxoxo
I’m not sure what it is, but your writing always reaches a part of me, one deep inside, and erupts a surge of emotions. And I think it’s because you wear your heart on your sleeve here. Friendships and connections online through blogging can be amazing. And I am incredibly grateful to have met you via blogging and IRL. You are an inspiration. You are very loved.
There is so much I want to say..but I will keep it short… you are an amazing person who deserves so much out of this life. I am one lucky person to know you.. and just knowing you found someone to be there for you makes my heart glow.
This is the post I’ve been waiting to read for a long while, girlfriend.
I love what you’ve shared here, I love that this blogging “thing” has been such a wondrous vehicle for you to make connections, and for people to find and to love you.
You are such an inspiration, and always were.
Wishing we were still in Chicago for another squeeze xoxo
So I know that John Mayer is supposedly a huge dougebag but…. I’d still take that one home with me…
I *really* needed to read this RIGHT now. And OMG you just called me. I love you.