Well, here it is. My last post of November which means that I’ve completed my third year of NaBloPoMo. I don’t know why it takes a full calender year for me to forget that this takes the fun out of blogging. Then again, I have so much trouble with it the other 11 months of the year, sometimes I don’t know why I bother.

In a blogging community that is, at times, filled with levels of greed and fame whoring, writing and reading blogs has changed for me. I used to enjoy it. I still do at times. I read quite a few amazing people who touch me with their words and their lives. And then I click on another blog and its an advertisement in the form of a contest, pimped every which way. We sell our souls for free stuff, for page hits and our integrity suffers.

And then something wonderful comes along.

{W}rite Of Passage – Taking the challenge to write well

I can’t express how grateful I am to Mrs. Flinger for acting on a feeling that many of us have been having lately. Wondering where all the good blogs have gone. They are out there, hidden amongst the rubble that our community is turning into, in some places. Not to say that this community isn’t a strong one, it’s just that it’s lacking in some places and one big place is the words, the simple concept that brought us all here in the first place.

The first challenge to get our brains working was to write of an embarrassing story. I’ve literally been wracking my brain for the last day to think of something. I’m just not that girl. When something potentially embarrassing happens to me, I laugh it off. I’m usually the first person to laugh at myself, as I see the shock of me falling on my butt or on my face registers on the face of another person. I even asked Nic for help and as she rattled off lists of things that could be embarrassing (all of which no doubt has happened to her, she’s full of stories that one)and I just could not relate to any of them. I burped in a boys mouth while we were kissing once. He was grossed out but I laughed my ass off.

See?

Anyways, I joined this group of writers to challenge myself, and to challenge my writing. If anything, I wish for help to make me a more focused writer. As of now, I’m all over the place and I’m kind of sick of it.

For more Weekly Winners, go check out the gorgeous Lotus.

I’m not surprised, not everything lasts. I’ve broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve been through it. Set myself up to get hurt, feel like I have no hope left. I tried so many different paths. Hmm too young. A little too old. We met in a bar? No way. Married? Let’s not go down there. Issues clearer than a clean window? Pass.

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up. I guess it’s half timing and the other half luck.

Sigh. This is tough. How about I just give it up? Stop searching… So much of a hassle anyways, getting to know someone all over again. Hope they like me for me. Pray they “get” me. YAWN. I’m a working mom, I don’t have the time! So, no more. For now.

Wherever you are, whenever it’s right, You come out of nowhere and into my life.

“I followed you because I have the same head rest covers in my car, except mine are Mets and I thought it was cool that a hot chick had them too” (Thanks honey.) We talked again a few weeks later when Deathcab’s album The Open Door was being released. We had both pre-ordered it. We talked about different bands that we liked and found that a LOT of them matched. He wanted to know if I had AIM. I laughed because who has AIM still? I mean, really. I told him that since it was in fact 2009, I had google talk and we could chat on that. So he downloaded it. And only protested about it once.

Then it was every day, even if it was only for a few minutes. He made me laugh. He asked for my phone number. I was standing outside at my friend’s house and I was blushing as I typed it to him. The first time we talked, I fell for his NY accent. It made me giggle and made my heart jump into my throat.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

We are.

And baby your love is gonna change me.

It has.

They say that all’s fair in love and war. But I won’t need to fight it. We’ll get it right and we’ll be united.

Someday I know it will all turn out. You’ll make me work so we can work to work it out.

It all turned out. We work. We work at the things that come between us and we feel better once we talk about them. I could fill pages and pages of the things that bring us together or the way he makes my heart swell with love and pride and happiness and hope.

So lucky. So happy. You really ought to get some.

Now I can see every single possibility…

Oh and I just recently downloaded AIM. Sometimes he still likes it better. Compromise.

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen.

It’s no secret to anyone that really knows me that I define the phrase “she wears her heart on her sleeve”. I’m the crier. I’m the over analyzer. I’m the one that cares TOO much, that tries her hardest to absorb the pain of the people she loves. I’m the one that obsesses over things, that attempts all too often to make sense of her own situation, and that of her friends. I take on burden so that your shoulders feel lighter, so that maybe you can sleep tonight, or maybe your tears can stop.

For the longest time, I was alone in this role. I would give support and never ask for anything in return. I would keep my pain hidden and any time I did share it, I would feel ashamed or guilty for burdening someone.

I’m not like this anymore.

Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
No it won’t all go the way it should
but I know the heart of life is good.

During this time in my life, this time of change, this time of growth, I’ve found myself in a situation I haven’t often been in. I’ve always been the support system. Things in my life, things especially in the last 3 years have been in constant change. Every time I felt like I was on top of things, had found what I believed to be happiness and safety, I’ve had the ground ripped out from under me. I’ve lost people I loved for reasons I am only beginning to really understand. And just recently, I had to pull myself away from situations that were going no where, that were not giving me a return investment in what a friendship and relationship should be. I’ve learned that it takes two people to maintain a connection, that giving and giving and supporting, standing up for, and defending a person that you love, a person that means something to you, should go both ways.

It’s heart breaking when you feel that it doesn’t. It’s simply devastating.

You, know its nothing new. Bad news never had good timing.
But there, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining.

But now? I’m being supported. I’ve found people in my life who love me, who will, at any time of the day, night, and beyond, sit and hold my hand, listen to me hold back tears. Who will listen to me cry and let go when I need to. Who will sit with me and talk for hours. They understand me. They laugh with me. They make me smile during the hardest moments of my life. They will take my call at 1am and listen to me be angry, and listen to me be heartbroken, and they will say all the right things even if they think they aren’t. They give me courage to do the things I need to do, they remind me how lucky I am and of how much they love me, how loved I am.They remind me that the bad is not all there is. They are my silver lining.

That’s priceless. There is nothing greater than that.

Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
but I know the heart of life is good.

This blogging thing, I never thought it would change my life. I never in a million years imagined that the most intricately weaved support system I would have in my life would be found here. I struggle with this blog, with what I want to say here. With who I want to be. I might not be the best writer you know, but I put my heart here; my blog is my proverbial sleeve. I like to hope that I’ve touched a few people along the way. It never hurts to hear that you are someones source of inspiration. It never hurts to be reminded that you are loved. The people I love, they take away my fear to stand up for myself.  He reminds me of hope and of love every day.

Sometimes it takes a harsh reality, a wake up call and a 24 hour hour period for the people in your life to remind you why you’ve chosen each other to love, to share this life with.

Look around you and remind yourself. Tell the people in your life that you love them, thank them. Laugh and cry with them. Remember how lucky you are.

I do.

She sits, in a chapel filled with 300 children. They have all sat through the very early, very long chapel service, together they recited the Our Father in perfect unison. Kids are being nudged awake, while most fidget in the un-heated space. She herself feels tired on this cold Monday morning. The pew is cold beneath her legs and time and time again she wishes she could be allowed to wear jeans. She picks at a thread on the hem of her plaid skirt, hoping nothing starts to unravel. To pass the time, her eyes wander, reading the 14 different panes of stained glass, each depicting a Station of the Cross. She never understood why Jesus fell down so many times. She guessed the Cross was really heavy. The beautiful colors of the glass mesmerized her but saddened her at the same time. There were other pieces of glass surrounding her, but the Stations always kept her attention, she never tired of them.

She can hear the sound of water dancing but she isn’t sure… oh yes, the fountain. Off to the side of the chapel, there is an indoor fountain, turned low, mostly as background noise, they call it the pool of reflection. Right in front of it, a teacher sits next to a small tape player. As the chapel service dwindles to a close, the children are asked to continue to sit. As the teacher presses play, the girl holds her breath.

As the music starts, she smiles and situates herself better in the pew. She becomes very still as she closes her eyes. This is her favorite piece. She can hear each note, as if they were all floating around alone at one time, only to find each other at this very moment, to become this perfect sound. She thinks of the sound of rain, of the cool air on her face. She feels the music swell which in turn causes her heart to fill, jumping to her throat is if she wants to cry. While she listens, she can see the story the song tells, like a movie behind her closed eyes. She feels the loneliness, the passion, the ultimate love story with each bar played. She can imagine the conclusion, one of satisfaction.

As the last notes of the song play and start to slowly fade away, she can feel her classmates around her start to awaken. It’s as if they all sat in the spell of the song. Or maybe, just maybe it was always her, drifting away in her own head as she was so quick to do. She stands, knowing it might be some time before she can hear her song again, and escape for just a few minutes.

Years later, as she writes, she can still feel the peace that Debussy brings. She can still smell the polished used on the pews, she can still hear the sound of the dancing water. Most of all, she can still close her eyes and, if only for a few minutes, see the beautiful love story being played behind closed eyes.

I miss the sound of your voice
and I miss the rush of your skin

Two things out of thousands of different thoughts that dance across my mind at any give time. Your smile. The times I would glance over and catch you staring at me. Most times its a flash of a memory, sometimes I dream about you. Either way, you’re there, in my heart.

I miss the still of the silence
as you breathe out and I breathe in

You made all the static in my head go away. That loud buzzing noise was always much quieter when you held me. Sometimes I can think of nothing better than laying next to you, my head on your chest, the fan turning lazily above us, both of us wearing nothing but a smile. Music quietly playing, and drifting to sleep because the sound of your heart beats louder than any music that is playing.

Make you believe
Make you forget

I’m well aware of what I did. I did what I never intended to do, what I thought I could overcome. The thing is, I knew from the start that I was going to end up hurting you in some way. I thought you had taught me enough not to but I was wrong. You’ll never understand this now, but I’ve learned a lot about myself, about life, about the things that I did and the things I took for granted. Without complication, easy IS simple. We don’t have that complication. Loving each other always came easy anyways. I hope you don’t deny that too.

I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

We said some pretty mean things to each other, didn’t we? I always tried not to be petty but I’m sure I failed. I knew how to hurt you and I hate myself for doing it sometimes. No one deserves that. I know that. Is this part of the reason you won’t talk to me now? I’m trying not to make assumptions but I’m struggling to understand.

Pull me down hard, and drown me in love

I don’t mind not being able to breathe because of you. But I wish it was because you were taking my breath away, and not because of the tears.

It’s all wrong
but
It’s so right

None of this matters. What I say, what I try to do, it all means nothing. I’m impossible to love, I’ve never been worth fighting for. The one person who tries to fight for me is the one person I hate most in this world. Is this what I deserve? It must be. Because I always seem to be the one at the end of it all that loved more than they were loved.

Because everything works in your arms

It always has. I don’t know if anything will work again, now.

This one is for you my friend. One of these days soon, you’ll close your eyes and dream again. Love you.

You know I wanna ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

There are less things in this life than the ability to be spontaneous. To up and throw away your inhibitions, to step outside your own box, break your own routines. Some are incapable of it, others abuse the ability. I’m finding myself living quite in the moment these days. To keep my mind out of the past is a habit I am beginning to form. Like an exercise routine, it takes repetition and practice to focus on the now. And it really, really helps to have someone there to help keep your mind focused on today.

I wonder if you know I’m tryin so hard not to get caught up now
But you’re so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly making me want you

My favorite thing to do is drop everything to get to you. Within all the ways to connect, anytime you’re there, most everything gets pushed to the side. There are so many little tiny things that usually go unnoticed, that seem to catch my eye. Your thoughtfulness, your pride, your attention to detail, and (I don’t care what you say!) the way you remember the important things. You make it hard to stay away.

In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

When something like this enters your life, you have to hold on to the details. You don’t know where its going and the best thing to do is to stop trying to predict the outcome. Just live each minute. Be in the moment. Memorize all the lines of his face, the way his skin feels, the ridges he has on his fingernails, the sound of his breathing, the way that he touches you. That way, when you are apart, you can recall all of those details and smile, and struggle to breathe because that is how you felt when you were sitting next to him.

You stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I’m not usually this way
But you pull me in and I’m a little more brave,
It’s the first kiss, its flawless, really something, It’s Fearless

Once that first kiss happens, you have to stop and recall every single second. The way he snuggled up to you while you were watching a movie. The way he got very comfortable in the ridge of your neck. The sound of his sigh, like where he was was a pretty good place to be. The way you looked at him and as he was looking back at you, he tilted his face up so that his lips met yours. Remember how your stomach was doing somersaults and as his hands became tangled in your hair, the realization of the moment started to hit you. Let it be great.

Cause I dont know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, Fearless
And I dont know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress, Fearless

If you find someone who is willing to share a part of himself with you and drag you headfirst into his life, then you are lucky. If everything feels right, if every moment, every conversation makes you feel like you are glowing, something must be going in the right direction. It’s in our blood to intertwine ourselves with someone else. Every little piece of himself he gives to you, you should hold on to it. Every single piece of yourself that you give to him, if you know that he is holding it just as tightly, then you’re one of the lucky ones.

And you are. We both are.

As you lean in to steal a kiss
I’ll never need more than this

A glance to the left, to the right, and then a tug on my hand. You pull me close to you and steal a kiss and I can feel my heart stop for just a second. Our faces both break out in smiles as we laugh just a little bit and kiss again.

This night under stars, well, I call it peace
If you say, I’ll never need more than this

We can sit for hours, time passing like minutes and laugh. Share stories. Share concerns. Trade bits and pieces of information because it just seems like the right thing to do. Then there are other times, we don’t even need words. Just to sit across from one another, smoke drifting lazily into the sky, a glance exchanged which turns into a smile. That’s all it takes and that’s all that’s needed.

You think you’ll be happy if granted one more wish
But the truth is you’ll never need more than this

Everyone is always striving to be the best, achieve the next best thing, the latest and the greatest. Sometimes it’s ok to just slow down, take some time, and appreciate the little things that make the day worth all the while. It isn’t easy to remove yourself, to halt the busy pace of your life for even a minute but it must be done. Reach for the perspective of whats important and what will be important years from now. Let me show you how to slow down. Breathe deep and relax.

Let’s make this our story, let’s live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we’ll be gone

It’s alright to not have the answers. Sometimes, there isn’t one. When time is short, moments shared are held tight, not one minute is taken advantage of. But sometimes I wish I could slow time down because it’s true: an hour passes like a heartbeat and even though much has been said, much has been done, I feel cheated. So I’ll keep adding to the movie reel in my head for playback at a later date. Because all those memories are worth more than anything, and the fact that I have so many already and am only going to add more, makes me smile every single day.

I don’t know if this is irony, but this was one of his favorite songs.

I hear it, and well, it is exactly what happened.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

I talked. I talked, and talked, and talked. I saw the signs. I watched the pieces start to crack, crumbling away, little pieces falling swiftly, a few at a time. He hated for me to cry. Was it because he didn’t want to face that he was the reason for my tears? Or was it just because he didn’t want to deal with them? Because of that, I only cry when I’m alone, and only briefly. I would scream, and yell, and ache and he would just sit there, staring at me. Like he couldn’t quite figure out who I was or what I was saying, or even what I was doing sitting there right in front of him. That part came so easily to him.

Between the lines of fear and blame
You began to wonder why you came

Every time I opened my mouth, I always sat there, wondering why I even bothered.  He never heard me. If he understood, he played his understanding down. He would placate me, tell me to relax, to not get worked up, that I was over reacting. That always made me feel incredibly stupid. Like I was the child. And not vice versa.

Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

I tried with everything I had to break down the walls that he built. But, over time, it seemed that I had helped build it, brick by brick. The masonry was so excellent. I tried chipping it away, with my time, with my body, with gifts and thoughts granted. Everything was received, but all for nothing. Every time I enabled him, it ripped me apart. I granted his innocence because I didn’t hold him accountable for making me fall in love with him.

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to god he hears you

Every time I thought I had gotten through, I found it to be all for nothing. Every time I felt relief, that maybe finally we could move on, be us again, the sun would set and come up the next day, and every good feeling would be gone. I knew that it all meant nothing when I would go to get up in the morning, and he wouldn’t pull me back to him. I thought I had forgotten how it felt to sleep next to someone and feel so very alone.

When I wake up next to you, please pull me back when I go to get up. Please.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

“If you saw my smile today, you would see that it’s not the same”. Yea? Well who’s fault is that? I tried. I wanted it. I needed you. And… you let me down. You left me alone. You helped me be me, helped me get my life back, and then you shit all over it. I will forever be thankful for making me look into a mirror and see myself again, but I will forever be bitter over the taste you left in my mouth. You are a coward. But I say thank you. You showed me, even if it was for a fraction of a second, that I was worth something more than what I felt I was. It was enough to make me grow up and admit to myself that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Only to turn the beautiful thing we had into something hideous.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to safe a life

Despite all 700 of these words, I am ok. I. AM. OK. I smile. Every single day. I laugh. I blush. My heart flutters. I’m letting go of things that used to make me crazy. I’m willing to believe that it can be simple, once you get past all the complications. I want to prove to the world, to the people who doubt, who refuse to believe, that it CAN be simple.

That being with someone who is your match, your lobster even, is the easiest thing in the world.

Today was one of those days. Just one of those all around, awesome, smile stuck on your face, kinda day. Why not celebrate it with some music?

Cant you see? There’s a feeling that’s come over me.
Close my eyes. You’re the only one that leaves me completely breathless.

Ever have your breath catch in your throat? It could be from words, a look, a simple thought. Most days, I’m trying to catch my breath all day long.

No need to wonder why… sometimes a gift like this you cant deny.

Simple. Uncomplicated. Respect. Adoration. Understanding. When you really get someone, and just by such force that there is nothing you can do to stop it, something clicks. Pieces fall into place and they are the type of pieces that you want to take apart just for the fun of putting them back together again.  Every day, a new piece. I like that.

There’s a will, there’s a way.

It’s easy to work out little details if you want something bad enough. I know that. For a fact.

I guess this time there’s just no hiding, fighting… you make me restless.

Every. Single. Day. Not the bad skin crawling way, but the I just cant wait to touch you again restless.  And that is damn good restlessness.

When I was alone, you came around, when I was down.
You pulled me through, and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you.

Back then, I asked for a hero. And now… you’ve made me a Princess. How is it that is what you see?

I wanted to fly, so you gave me your wings.

I wanted out. I was in a trap. And you held out both hands and pulled me out of it. Where are the right words to say thank you?

You set me free.

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