Then…

We scream and shout and try to make it last

We fight. I’m fighting for us. You are fighting for your pride. I try to drag it out, hold on tight. But you dont want me to hold on. You wish I would just let go.

Though it didn’t work out, I don’t love you any less.

I’ll always have love for you in my heart. No matter what happens. You changed my life. I’ll always be thankful for what you have given me.

Now…

My lover or friend, I won’t ever tell. Our secret’s safe, an unspoken citadel.

It’s a beautiful thing. We hold it in our hands, with a smile that no one understands. They can see it in our eyes, distracted by its beauty. Shhh… if you tell, it will get spoiled.

I sing to remind, upon my shoulder you can rest. Because I always give you my best.

You get me. The best parts of me. The happiness. The sadness. You embrace all of it without a second though. You are one of my best friends. You are truly a beautiful person and I am forever thankful for you in my world.

I promise I will not forget, and though you’re not mine, upon your shoulder I can rest, because you always give me your best.

I will never ever take the best of you for granted. It’s like a gift. I would be a selfish child if I didn’t appreciate you for everything that you are, everything that you have been, and everything you will become. Anyone who can’t see that is a fool and doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. I hope you know that. I’m thankful for the best of you. Every day.

Like a promise kept…

It’s like you never left…

Like we never had to say goodbye. Walking away, walking on air after our time together, was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It was just SO good. Things fell into place, one after another. We flowed with no bumps in the road. And then, I had to walk away first. And I really did miss you that quickly.

And though it’s been so long, I cant ever seem to forget. All it takes is a song, and I can swear I hear your steps…

Because isn’t that just us? The music always brings me back to you. The shuffle of the iPod, or the spin of the DJ and there you are. On my mind. The corners of my lips start creeping into a smile and I’m whole again. If only for a minute.

For Maria…

The cool wind hits her face as she climbs out of the cab. She reaches up and tucks a short strand of hair behind her ear. The street is empty, but her eyes scan the sidewalks for his face. He’s due home any time and the traffic on 7th street made her think she wouldn’t be able to beat him home. He never minds if she isn’t at the house when she gets there, but it makes her feel a little more powerful nevertheless.

She unlocks the door and takes the stairs two at a time. As she gets inside, she notes how cool the apartment stayed while she was out. Usually he leaves the blinds open and allows the place to get stuffy. She had enough sense to close all of them before she left. As she walks through their bedroom into the bathroom, she tugs her panties out of her purse and buries them into the hamper. It’s not like he would notice, she does all the laundry anyways. But she knows she can never be too careful.

The warm water feels good running down her back. As much as she hates to wash away the scent of her lover, she knows she has to. The only thing that comforts her is knowing that it wont be long before they are together again. Her mind wanders, thinking of the way he touches her. He’s such a graceful partner, gently guiding her, and then roughly taking her. She gets a chill remembering how his mouth felt, staying in places she never lets her husband go. Because she wont. It doesn’t belong to him anymore.

She steps out of the shower and appreciates the coolness of the air. She lingers as she dresses, her mind still back in his bed. She walks to the kitchen, intent on starting water for a cup of tea. Night is slowly falling and she has one more thing to do before he gets home. As the water comes to a boil, she pushes that button, listening to the whir of the computer start.

She sits with her tea, and opens her email. There is already a message from him, with two simple words. “Thank You”. She smiles and goes to reply. “No, thank you”.

As she clicks send, the front door opens. “Hey honey, how was your day?”

She shuts down the computer with a sigh.

He drowns in his dreams, an exquisit extreme I know…

He holds hope inside him like a treasure. He wants a certain life, he wants to acheive so much. And I stand behind him, just as hopeful, always wanting the best. Always knowing that he has it inside him to be great.

If I try to save him, my whole world could cave in…

I’ve done my best, I gave everything I could. I pushed him, told him he could be whoever he wanted to be. Believed in him. Helped him get places that no one else would. But that was then. And now, if I gave all of myself again, I will get pulled in, drowning just as quickly as he will.

He’s magic and myth, as strong as what I believe

He’s amazing. He’s so much. Too much I think somedays. I’m trying to keep my head up, trying to stay strong and it’s getting harder and harder. I feel myself loosing grip. Sleep is fleeting, hard to achieve. My brain and my heart are racing to the finish.ANd I’m the only one loosing that race.

I’m waiting for some kind of miracle, waited so long

I’m wishing for clarity. I want my choice to be clear as day. I want this time to be what it was meant to be, not all skewed by the complication that is already weighing us down. Easy. Uncomplicated. Why can’t everything be like that? Without limitation, without expectation. Just happens to be exactly what it is. That’s what I should be focusing on.

He’s never enough. But still he’s more than I can take.

Exactly. Fucking exactly. I don’t know what the fuck I want. I don’t know who I want. I don’t even know how well of a person I can be. Fuckity.

If I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter… Will it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?

Guess we’ll find out.

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You’re barely waking, and I’m tangled up in you.

Waking up next to you. Alarms going off, phones are ringing, obligations need to be met. I’d much rather sleep next to you for another hour or so. I’d much rather spend the day wrapped up in these sheets.

I’m open, you’re closed. Where I follow, you’ll go.

I don’t mind being led. You take me places I’ve never seen, places I’d never usually go. You break me out of routine. There is nothing I would trade that for.

I worry I wont see your face light up again.

Everything is so fragile, always on the verge of being broken. What if today was the last time I got to hear you laugh? What if this was the last time I watched your face light up in response to something I said? I couldn’t bear it. I would only be able to recall that memory for so long.

I’m quiet you know, you make a first impression.

You light up a room. I can stand back and watch you shine because the residual effects of you have always worn off on me. I’m happy standing a step or two behind you because then I have front row seats to the beautiful reaction you evoke from people. It has been breathtaking.

I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind.

For me, you stay in the back of my mind most times. I think twice when it comes to a lot of things now. I react to everything in a new way too. My eyes open in surprise and I cant take the smile off of my face to save my life. The smile you create stops people in their tracks. They look at me like I’ve solved all the troubles we face. They are jealous, I can see it written on their faces. And yet, they have no idea why I smile. That’s the power of you.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find, that you and I collide.

What never made sense now does. What seemed impossible to have, is now sitting in the palm of my hand. Thinking you would never feel again, and having your faith restored, is a beautiful thing. All possible because we managed to collide. Sometimes being victims of circumstance isn’t such a bad thing.

Take out of your wasted honor, every little past frustration.

Every moment spent wondering if you should have done something different, should have said something else, should have said what you actually meant or even kept it to yourself. All those little moments are gone, wasted. Add them up in your head and look at the total.

Take all of your so called problems, better put them in quotations.

Open a new post. Empty your thoughts to empty your head. Sit. Think. Wonder what others are going to say. Agonize whether you will be understood. Be judged. Worry. Think it over, again and again. Ask. Listen or not. Hope to please, hope to touch. Hit publish, close your eyes, and hold your breath. Keep wondering until the comments or emails come in. Still wonder if you were clear enough, if you had said what you really meant. If you had been real. If you were brave enough to be real.

Walkin’ like a one man army, Fightin’ with the shadows in your head.

“I have something to say” “I don’t want to let anyone down” “If I was totally real, people wouldn’t like it” “I’ve hurt enough people” “It’s not just about me” “I cant say that” “I cant be that” “I cant be myself”

Livin’ up the same old moment, Knowing you’d be better off instead.

Time to let it go. Shake it off. Stop worrying so much about what he thinks, or what she says, or what they wish you could be. You are you. You are the best person you know how to be. How can anyone ask for any more from you? If they loved you, if they cared, they would never ask for more than what you are. They would see your light. They would love to watch you shine. And you shine. You shine so bright that sometimes I have to look away. But the smile stays on my face.

You better know that in the end it’s better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again.

Here’s your chance. What if you don’t get it again? What if all the courage that you’ve built up ends up falling flat? Where is that going to leave you? Here is your chance. Say what you need to say. Don’t be afraid. Whoever is left standing after you’ve blown everyone away are the ones who deserve to hear your voice.

Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closing. Do it with a heart wide open.

Why? You really want to know why? Because you fucking CAN. Because you should. Because at the end of your days, you can look back and say, “Yeah, I fucking SAID it. There it is. I said it and I don’t regret it.” Don’t regret anything. Everything you do today, everything you did yesterday, and everything you will do tomorrow is going to effect who you are, who you will become, and who you will touch. Everything happens for a reason. Don’t regret yours.

Say What You Need To Say

Open a New Post. Write. Feel like every word you wrote is exactly what you believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in your words. Believe in your strength. I do. There’s a start. Even if it started with just one person saying “I Believe”. Take a leap from there.

I know what I’m doing may be dumb, I know I should not be staring at the sun

Don’t some of the best experiences we have in life come from decisions we know could be wrong? In the last few years, I’ve learned this to be true. Of course, I cant say that they are ALL good, but when they feel the way I feel, my confidence is restored.

But the thought of you leads me to temptation

Temptation. So real I can taste it on my lips. And it’s fucking delicious.

It may not be “right” by most standards, but its right for ME. If that makes me a selfish person, then so be it. What is right for me, may not be for you. You probably wouldn’t approve which is why this is how I lead my life, and that is how you lead yours.

I see you right in front of me, as close as you can get. And I pray that you won’t leave this daydream yet.

One day, I’m going to wake up and find out it was all a dream. A fantastic, lingering dream. A beautiful disaster. I think I’ll sleep a little longer.

I see you right in front of me, a vision in my head. And I know this is as real, as a daydream gets.

Because that the honest truth of it right? Only so much, only so far. It is what it is? That’s ok too. I never thought I could be a person to say that, but right now, that’s ok too. You are as real as I make you out to be, in my head. And how clouded it is. I hide from the wind, fearing that those clouds will blow away and I’ll see clearly.

I can hear you in the wind. I can see this never ends, like the sea, like you for me.

With everything that has happened, with all that is going on now, I’d rather keep my eyes closed. Hold on tight, hope for the best, and only open them when I feel safe. Because the reality is, at the end of the day, I sleep with a smile on my face, with warmth in my heart, and knowing that somewhere, I’m evoking the same reaction. And that’s enough for me to sleep soundly.

If you cant reach out to me, send a sign across the sea and I’ll pick it up. With an ocean size love.

Little more explanation of my music posts on my Just Me page if you are confused.

“I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do, you’re an angel disguised”

This is what I want. Intensity. Passion. Just listen to his voice, listen to the harmonies. Listen to that guitar. You cant tell me anything that beats a man, filled with passion, passion that you have inspired, singing and playing a song just for you. Intensity like that is hard to find. I would hold on to it if I did.

“I’ll give you my heart on a string”

If there was ever a time I could remember such intensity. Such want. I think I’ve felt it before, but now it just feels fake. Was it the music? Was it those moments? I cant even remember anymore, its been far too long.

“I’m trying real hard not to shake, I’m biting my tongue. But I’m feeling alive. And with every breath that I take, I feel like I’ve won.”

Remember that feeling? That nervousness of being with someone for the first, second, or third time? You are so unsure of yourself. So unsteady. Because feeling his heart beat makes you tremble. And the butterflies are flying, out of control. One of the best highs in the world.

“If its a hero you want I can save you, just stay here.”

Be my hero. Save me from what it is I have become. The life that I am living. I need a hero. Ride in on your white horse and right my wrongs. You have that inside of you.

“Say my name, I just want to hear you, so I know its true.”

Whisper in my ear. That will take it one step over that already scary edge. Just say it. Say you want me.

“Just say, that you’ll stay awake for me, I don’t want to miss anything.’