Oh hai 2012! At the start of every new year, I keep running into changes. Good, bad, I have to roll with them. It’s not easy to have the rug pulled out from under you and then have to quickly adjust to keep stability in my life. As a mother, that’s one of my jobs.

A few months back, I got laid off again and at that point, I had to really make some decisions. Temp work has not been kind to me. The money I was making at my last assignment was awesome and that was the only reason I was hoping they would hire me. If you’re unfamiliar with temp work, there’s usually a certain amount of time that goes by, that you have to put in, before you can be considered for hire. My time there came and went and I was still a temp. Then I got the call that my assignment had ended. Just from one day to the next.

That’s tough. And abrupt. And unstable.

So I had to decide that there would be no more temp work. No more working my ass off only to be cut off. So then what? Jobs are not falling out of the sky, in case you haven’t job hunted lately. I had to really soul search and figure out what was more important to me and my future.

I’ve chosen simplicity. I’ve decided to chase dreams. Part of that is improving not only my quality of life but also my health. While I do love money, I can do without it. Sure it means cutting back and missing out on some things but it won’t be forever.

All will be revealed in time but for now, I’ve gotten a job somewhere that is just about perfect for me: Starbucks. Holy crap, there’s a lot to learn. Making drinks makes me nervous because there are a crap ton of drink recipes and each one is made in a special way and omg I’m never going to remember them all. But I’m happy. And I’m smiling before and after and all throughout my shift. I like greeting people and taking that 30 second interaction and maybe making them smile too. I don’t mind wiping tables and sweeping the floor. I can do without cleaning the bathrooms but even that I can handle.

Oh and I get to drink all the coffee I want.

It’s going to take some time to adjust to the occasional 4AM start time but time sure does fly when you’re making coffee.

In my mind, it isn’t a huge thing but every time I confess it to a friend, they are surprised. So I’m going to say it’s safe to assume that most people will be surprised by this as well.

I’m not divorced.

Go ahead and take some time to process that. Some questions you might have are things such as, “aren’t you both in serious relationships with other people?” or “how does custody work then?”

Mostly, I think people want to know “WHY NOT?!”

Heh. Well. It’s simple really. Up until this point, we’ve both been kind of blah about it all. We’ve been separated for 5 years and while I’ve always wanted a divorce, it just never came about. At first I couldn’t afford the lawyer I knew I would need to fight him. As time went on, the fighting dissipated, we separated everything, he bought a house in his own name, and we really started working on being co-parents. I wouldn’t call us friends but I wouldn’t call him my enemy either. While he does continue to occasionally take liberties and make comments I don’t really appreciate, I don’t feel he is out to get me anymore. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I ever thought I could get to this point, I would have tried my hardest to convince you that he could never make me feel that way.

The cycle of abuse is scary and it has forever changed me. I can’t deny that. I’ve always said it doesn’t define me and I can honestly say that it truly doesn’t. It’s only within the last year that I’ve even briefly considered that this man, the father of my child and the man who abused me for years, has changed. He isn’t perfect, he isn’t reformed. There are parts of that person still there but he’s working on it. He’s in therapy. His 30+ years on this earth and his experiences are kicking in. We always thought the military would mature him but it didn’t. If anything it made him worse. However, he’s healing with their help so I guess in the long run, it’s a good thing.

I’m sharing this information with you now because this circle I’ve been traveling, this chapter of my life, is reaching its end. Today, we’ll find out how much longer this process is going to take. We’ve filed paper work the same way we got married: together. We filled them out together, we agreed on terms together and submitted them together without one lawyer involved.

Today is our 11 year wedding anniversary, on paper. We haven’t been married in my heart for a very long time, yet I can’t help but mourn this ending. Not for him, not for us, but for what I dreamed we would become 11 years ago when we exchanged vows while I carried our child. We were young and stupid but we did what we thought we had to. And 11 years later, we are moving forward.

I’m lucky that I found someone who loves me and who understands this situation. While he may not like it, he hasn’t pressured me or guilted me into taking this step. His role in this has been nothing but supportive but I’m going to go ahead and speak for him and pretty much everybody else (including me) when I say…

“FINALLY!”

It’s a Blog Hop! Because when Nic says hop, I say “ok fine but I’m doing it because I want to, not because you’re doing it!”

That’s a lie. I do what she tells me.

Anywhoo… I thought this might be fun and its not 1oo things (remember those??) so let’s see if I can manage to tell you 25 things about me that you might not have known before.

1. My actual name is Melissa. Someone at BlogHer thought the ‘Miss’ on my blog was a title because it was next to @justonemiss on my badge. It read Miss @justonemiss. So she read it as such. And then asked my name. Ha! So that turned into a thing. So in actuality, it’s really Melissa. But most everyone calls me Miss or Mel.

2. I’ve vistited 25 of the 50 states. 24 of them before I turned 18. The only new state I’ve been too since then was New York.

3. On that note, I’ve only traveled out of the country twice and that was to cross the border to Tijuana (which I don’t think really counts but whatever) and the Bahama’s.

4. I live in California but I hardly ever go to the beach. I think I’ve gone maybe 3 times this year. I absolutely take it for granted as most Californian’s do. We’re assholes like that.

5. I’m a pisces so water attracts me. I absolutely love it, I love the sound of it and (I swear I did not know this about her but OF COURSE I feel the same way) like Nic, I love sitting on the beach on a cold day while bundled up. Looks like we’ll be doing that this winter.

6. Watching TV and movies is one of my favorite past times. I probably watch too much of both but I really don’t care.

7. I love camping and I miss it fiercely.

8. I can’t stand it when my kid’s room or the bathroom is dirty but my room is a total disaster.

9. I don’t care about two things, like could honestly care less: if my bed is ever made (I’m just going to sleep in it that night anyways) and how the toilet paper is put on the roll. Seriously people, that shit is absolutely insignificant unless you have a shitty roll holder. They don’t unroll themselves anymore, stop obsessing about that. Also, if you go to someones house and change it while sitting on their pot because it’s bothering you, you’re a total asshole. Don’t touch my TP bitches.

10. I wash my hands a LOT. They feel dirty a lot. Like, borderline OCD.

11. I love old buildings, city history, and photos of the inside of abandoned buildings.

12. Actually, I’m just a history nerd. I love it.

13. I never play the lotto, even if the jackpot is in the millions.

14. I did graduate from college but I had a baby before I did so I finished my degree from my living room in between his naps and working nights.

15. My degree is in Business Administration. I don’t know that it has ever helped me get a job but I don’t know that it hasn’t either.

16. Some people know this but I feel like everyone should: I hate sushi. I’ve tried to love it but I just can’t.

17. I used to be really good at basketball.

18. People really hate Chuck E. Cheese but I love it. It was one of my son’s favorite places as a little(r) boy AND I like the pizza and their bread sticks.

19. I’ve never had a surgery or been hospitalized. Baby having doesn’t count.

20. But I have broken my right wrist twice. In not so graceful/responsible fashions.

21. I don’t have any tattoos but I can’t wait to get some. I have them planned out and everything. Where’s that pesky money fairy??

22. I love Time Management computer games. Like Diner Dash? Love it. I’ll play for hours. I especially like the cooking ones.

23. I hate Black Friday. I hate shopping crowds, especially frantic ones. But I am thinking of going out to get some TVs this year so what does that say about me?

24. I ask a lot of hypothetical questions so don’t answer that.

25. I strongly feel that one can never own too many hoodies, sweat pants, and yoga pants. I really, really love comfort, even to sacrifice fashion. Sometimes. Rompers, you do not apply here. Or anywhere.

So, got 25 things you want me to know about you?? Link up bitches!

So? What do you think of the new look?

My major re-design is thanks to my honey, Ant. I can’t thank him enough for being patient with me through all this. He really is the best!

If you’re here because of Blogher, I’m happy to have you! If you’re here because I made you come see my new design, I love ya for it!

Either way, I hope you say hello and tell me what you think of the new look and make sure you come back. I always say it but I’m really thinking if actually using space again! (stop laughing)

Catch you on the flip side!

Yeah, I’ve seen the movie (secret Bette Middler fan here, holla at me Big Business fans!). I watched the movie and I laughed but it didn’t really sink in…

Until my ex announced that he was seeing someone. Until that someone moved in and was suddenly always there.

My marriage ended quite a while ago. We’re going on 5… 6 years now? It’s been so long I’ve lost count. It’s taken this long to find another groove to share with him, the kid exchange, the decision making, the co-parenting. We had hit a stride and then she was there, up in it.

The first time I met her, it was at our son’s 10th birthday party, in front of his family and friends I used to call ours. They aren’t ours as much as they are his now, which is fine by me but still, it was awkward. His nieces and nephews still call me Aunt Miss, his family is still very friendly (with exception to his dad). While I expected to feel like an outcast that day, I didn’t. That feeling didn’t come until later, when I wasn’t expecting it. I walked away from that party thinking that this would be simple, relieved that he was no longer my problem but hers.

When you first realize that you are now in the First Wives Club, there are a range of emotions you have to go through.

Curiosity: I wanted to see if she was like me in any way. (She is. In a few ways.)

Amusement: Watching her fetch him plates of food and clean up after him gave me flashbacks to when I used to be like that, shaking my head and knowing that she’ll soon grow tired of it.

Concern: Is she going to treat my son right because I really don’t want to beat her.

The emotions that have thus far knocked me on my ass have been Resentment and Anger.

I resent the fact that he respects her. I’ve tried for over 10 years to earn that man’s respect and he just hands it to her. She hasn’t done anything deserving of being treated well by him. Everything that I sacrificed, worked for, yelled, screamed, ached, begged and cried for, she gets. The man I wish I had married is hers. The house, the security, everything I supported him to achieve for OUR family, she is reaping those benefits. That isn’t fair. While I’m being thrown bits and pieces of his respect, when he chooses to give it to me, she is none the wiser that she isn’t with a man who treats other people like that. I’m not mad at herbut I am pissed at him for it.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me saying I want those things now. I wanted them, for a long time I wanted them, but it’s been just as long since I haven’t. I do carry a lot of this resentment and I usually dwell in it in particularly low moments, moments of which used to be few and far between. They have been more and more frequent, especially when looking over where my life is right now, recently being unemployed and broke again, still living with my parents.

Which brings me to Anger.

I have to sit and witness their relationship about once a week lately. With my son in baseball, he has games during the week. I usually can make it to at least one since they are midweek and every game, there they are. Every game, I find myself sitting there, pissed off. I’m jealous. Normally it’s somewhat easy for me to watch other couples holding hands, laughing together, doing what a normal couple does. It’s easy because I can turn away and pretend it’s not happening. In this case, I can’t. And that makes me mad. I’m fine with the fact that he’s moved on. I could give a shit about his happiness, but the fact that he GETS to be happy, that he gets to have a hand to hold, and someone to sleep next to him pisses me the fuck off.

As the sadness and the tears that I have to hide come, I can’t help but sit on those bleachers and wonder when it’s going to be my turn. I’ve paid my dues, I’ve been patient, I’ve put on my brave face but seeing my ex and his new girlfriend together devastates me.

The worst part is, I like her. She’s not someone I could hate. She’s good to my son and she’s nice to me.

So there you have it. The First Wives Club. I really hope there is champagne at the next meeting because I think I’m going to need it.

Something I noticed last year, when 2009 was ending, was the onslaught of people saying things like “2009 sucked! 2010 has to be better!” or “I can’t wait for this year to be over, it was the worst ever!”.

Shockingly, all those people? REPEAT OFFENDERS. They are the same people complaining that 2010 was The! Worst! Year! EVER!!1!

I even said how much 2009 sucked because parts of it were really hard. And painful. But it ended on a high note and I vowed to make 2010 what I wanted it to be. I surrounded myself with wonderful people that I love. My best friends, the best a girl can ask for. Amazing, supportive family. And the most wonderful man that I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve but he loves me, and he wakes up every morning thinking of me and really, what could be better than that?

I wanted to do my yearly photo post but this year was so full, there were just too many photos to chose from. (See for yourself) We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, we just lived. We laughed. We cried a little. We smiled a hell of a lot. We came together and we made amazing memories and started families and traditions and do you want to know what the best part of it all is?

I have no regrets.

This year wasn’t what you might call perfect, but it was damn near close. I can gage that because the year is over and I’m still here, still smiling and happy as I’ve ever been.

Even better? 2011 is going to be awesome. So many things coming, so many things are going to change. I’m incredibly excited to continue on this path.

Happy

From our family to yours, Happy New Year.

Something you hope to do in your life

Travel. I want to see the world. I’ll settle for the USA to begin with but I want the opportunity. I want to go places I’ve never been, eat food I’ve never eaten and just live it all.

I traveled a lot with my parents when I was younger. I’m the only child and we have an RV so it wasn’t that hard for us to take off in the summer months. Florida, the east coast up to DC, up the west coast, we’ve been around. When we weren’t traveling in the RV, we were camping locally. Fishing, riding bikes, camp fires, sleeping under the stars; that was life.

And I miss it.

I want to share that with my son, I want him to fall in love with the road, with nature, with the idea that going outside and loving the fresh air is the most natural thing in the whole wide world. I want him to go to bed with sticky fingers because we were making smores in the dark and wake up with dirt in his sheets and the bottom of his feet black, only to get clean again because he’s spending so much time in the water the next day.

That’s how I grew up and I want to share that with him.

Something you have to Forgive someone for

When I first read this, I thought it was something I had forgiven someone for already. I thought that was easy.

Then I read it again.

It’s meant to be something I haven’t forgiven someone for.

Like I said before, I’m not likely to hold on to a grudge. They are pointless. You’re just hurting someone for hurting you and while you feel they might deserve it, what good is it really doing you? None. No good at all.

But sometimes, sometimes things happen that shake you to your core and shock you, especially when they come out of left field. I’m not used to that happening to me.

It recently did and I’m still trying to process it. I’m still trying to decide what side I am on, what path I want to take. I know deep down that I’ll stick to the bright side but that light isn’t bright enough yet for me to find that place where I can let things go. Things that were said, actions that were taken.

It truly hurts when you give so many parts of yourself to another person and in a moment of weakness and rage and sickness, they denounce all of that.

It’s easy to say “it’s ok, it’s not your fault, you’re not well” and on to the next excuse. But then I feel like in part, I’m cheating myself out of something I feel like I’m owed. I don’t even know what that is at this point. I just know enabling the excuse of blaming an illness will not do me or that other person any good at all.

I can move on and forgive but it all takes time and attempts, reaching out, more than I even know what I actually want.

How very unrealistic of me.

Something you have to Forgive yourself for.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. I had to think long and hard about this one because I didn’t feel right off the bat that I’ve ever needed to forgive myself for anything. But then I realized that any guilt I’ve ever had to let go of is basically me forgiving myself for something.

I’ve taught myself over the years to let things go. I used to hold on to things, grudges, anger, pain. It took a long time but I have finally learned on some levels to let things go. It’s not a switch I can flip, but over time I can move on and let go.

One of my biggest motto’s in life is to NOT DWELL.

It doesn’t do anyone any good.

I had to forgive myself for breaking up my family. While there were a lot of things that happened that caused that family to fall apart, ultimately it was my choice to walk away. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t regret any bit of that decision. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my son. However, it still meant that I had, in some way, contributed to fucking up my son. He has parents that don’t live together. While these days that isn’t strange in any way, it still is. He’s a child of divorce. Mom lives in this house and dad lives in that house. It was never the scenario that I envisioned for him, for me. Then again, neither was being abused at the hand of his father either.

Everything that happens is for a reason. No one can ever convince me otherwise. My life now is what I want it to be and knowing that I’ve chosen it and I’ve made it what it is today makes me incredibly proud.

But I had to flip my life as it was completely upside down to get here and that was one of the biggest things I’ve had to forgive myself for, even if it was the best things I’ve ever done.

Day 2 – Something you Love about yourself

This one kind of doubles with the last question so I’ll make this one short and easy.

One thing I love is my ability to sometimes catch a great photo, in my eyes anyways. I’m not big on bragging or shoving my photos in your face a lot but I love photography and I love some of the things I catch. I’m incredibly behind on editing but on a recent trip to Disneyland, I got some of my favorite photos.

I might be the only one to ever love those photos but they are pieces of me, of my life, and I’ll cherish them.